Learning to speak hookup Learning to Speak Hookup: Guys’ Edition Learning to Speak Hookup: Guys’ Edition

Learning to speak hookup
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As I wrote in Learning to Speak Hookup: A Pocket Phrasebook, the vocabulary surrounding the navigation of sex and relationships has become nearly incomprehensible. In the Hookup language, there are many irregularities and exceptions to the rule. It’s also heavily dependent on context. With so much misunderstanding, young people spend a great deal of time at cross-purposes.

The first post highlighted 30 phrases often uttered by guys, analyzed for their real meaning. Today I bring you 30 phrases you may hear from girls. Here’s what she is really trying to tell you:

1. Oh, yeah, no, I agree! I’m not looking to be in a relationship either!

I am really into you, I think that you would make an awesome boyfriend. I’m willing to risk disappointment and humiliation later to keep this going now.


 Friendship is really important
2. You are the sweetest, most precious boy I have ever met.

I would totally approve if you were to date one of my friends. Me? What? No, um, I don’t think of you that way.

3. I don’t think we should hook up, because our friendship is really important to me.

I do not want to see your penis.

4. I’m really attracted to you, but I worry about ruining our friendship.

I’m tempted, but I know that once that penis comes out to play, things will never be the same between us. You could reassure (and persuade) me by telling me how you feel about me, and that we owe it to ourselves to explore this.

5. Actually, we’re going over to __________’s to pregame, but maybe I’ll see you out later.

You are low priority. If you see me later, it will be purely coincidental.

6. I have to go to ____________’s first, but I’ll call you when we’re leaving there, and maybe we can meet up?

I can’t redirect my friends right away, but I will finagle it so that we’ll join up with you later because I really want to see you.


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 Pay a share in a relationship
7. How close are you and _________ (guy)?

Your friend is acting super shady with me, he’s definitely trying to get in there.

8. You have nice hands. (or hair, or smile, or eyes, etc.)

I could really fall for you. I am definitely feeling it.

9. Um, no thanks, I’m going to sleep now.

I don’t do booty calls at 3am, Asshole. OR You got your signals crossed if you thought that you were the person I was hoping to hear from.

10. What’s up? You seem different.

It’s obvious that you’re losing interest. But you owe it to me to tell me straight out.

11. No drama, I promise.

Sucker. Women process emotions = DRAMA.

12. You don’t need to worry, __________ and I are just friends.

But if you sense a vibe, you’re probably not imagining it. Is he giving me something you’re not?

13. Let’s split the check.

The offer is sincere, and I’m happy to pay my share in a relationship, but I’ll hold it against you forever if it’s our first time out.

14. You’re funny.

You are charming the pants off me.

15. It’s complicated with my ex.

I can only be into one guy at a time, so if it’s complicated with my ex, I’m still into him to the point that I can’t be into you.


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 My reputation
16. I really don’t want to be messed with.

I am so tired of being dicked around by guys. If you mess with me, I will go psycho on you.

17. Um, you can stop now, it’s fine.

I’m not going to come. Not with you, not tonight. What you’re doing is starting to hurt, plus I’m bored.

18. Don’t worry about it. I know it happens to every guy at some point.

OMG, you saw me naked and then you went limp! You find me repulsive!

19. Who is that girl?

I have definitely picked up on something between you. She is an adversary, and I already sense that she’s winning. So fess up.

20. What are we doing? OR What do you want from me?

Roll up your sleeves, and get ready for THE TALK. I want to be your girlfriend. And I’m hoping you want that too.

21. You smell good.

Tingling has begun. Let’s go.

22. I don’t have sex with someone I’m not dating.

No, this is not a ploy to get you into a relationship. I’m happy to keep it platonic. Just don’t try to guilt me or pressure me into having sex. I don’t owe you anything.

23. Nothing is wrong.

I don’t know why this is so hard, but it is frightening to tell you what is bothering me. I worry that if I am upset about something you will think that I’m high maintenance. Which I’m not!

24. That’s ridiculous, I am not trying to make you jealous.

Haha, you’re jealous. Just wanted to make sure I still had that power.

25. If you ever cheat on me, we’re done.

Cheating includes spooning platonically, spending the night in another girl’s bed for any reason, making out with someone else when we’re in a fight, or any of the other lame things you think you can pull. If I wouldn’t be happy to hear about it, it’s cheating. Don’t let your conscience be your guide.

26. I don’t usually do this.

I want you to think well of me. I really am not a big fan of casual sex, but you are irresistible right now. My reputation will either confirm or deny this.


 The Botoom Line
27. I’ve got a cold, I don’t really feel like going out tonight.

If you want to be my guy, you will offer to come keep me company and watch a movie. If you offer to “take your chances” and make out with me, you will earn 1,000,000 bonus points.

28. You are such a player, no way am I getting mixed up with you!

I am such an idiot and a pushover that if you tell me this is different, I will readily believe you.

29. So what did you do all day?

Do not say nothing, not much, slept or played video games. Lazy guys, i.e. no ambition, are such a turnoff, so don’t let me even suspect if you’re a slacker.

30. Hey, got your text earlier today. What’s up?

I am not interested, but I am marginally polite.

I hope this is helpful in clueing you in to the way chicks think. Hey chicks: what did I leave out? I think Decoybetty offered the best possible solution to all this cross-gender miscommunication. Don’t waste your time learning to speak Hookup. Try becoming more fluent at Relationship instead.


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Opgericht: 11-10-2022
Gewijzigd: 03-06-2023
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